The Dating Game

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I spent three years of my life with my wife not nurturing or building friendships and now as I sit here, in this coffee shop, I notice that I am alone and meeting people is not one of my strengths. I have no idea what I am going to do to meet women...I have thought about playing a clutz and trying to get some sympathy dates but I don't know if that is me. I do have a cute little girl but that hasn't helped when in public, she must be to well behaved. :-)

For me it is hard to get out in public, especially alone. So sitting here in this coffee shop is a great plus for me. I need to get outside my comfort zone and take some chances, I know forsure that I won't meet anyone cooped up at home watching a movie.

this is good for me even though most of the people around me are 10 to 15 years younger than I. I must really have guts...

16 comments:

Adrienne The Brave said...

I know exactly how you feel, I'm a single mom and because of my sudden movement back to Christianity I have lost most if not all of my friends. And to be quite honest there really aren't too many people out there who are faithful enough that I want them in my son's life. I know you wrote this when my son was only 3 or so months old and now, nearly 6 months later I'm writing this. It is completely by chance that I found your blog. I was just looking up the lyrics to "East to West" by Casting Crowns and you just happened to be the first link I clicked on. So, if you have found luck in your love life congratulations and if not I wish you the best! Keep praying, He will give you strength!

Jason said...

It is never too late to post. Isn't that song great. I have had more people visit my website just for those lyrics. It speaks to my heart and really helps me see God's grace for me.

All I can suggest is to find some way to volunteer somewhere. I know it is hard with a child but when it is time, go for it. I am still trying to make friends and I am getting used to the lonliness I feel at times. When it gets too bad I just think of the love my kid gives me and the way she says "pappa" and "daddy". Always brings a smile to my face. God Bless....

Anonymous said...

God will send your mate, when he's really...it's all in HIS time, know that. And know that you will be blessed abundantly for waiting on the LORD> Pray for your daughters mother, sounds like she needs it. And we will pray for you. It's all good, cause God said! Be Blessed my Brother!

Jason said...

Theresa, I know in my heart that if I wait on the Lord I will be blessed. I just get so impatient. There are days I feel like I am missing out on so much by not having my mate, best friend. I look so forward to what God has... Yet I want it now. As you can see, I am selfish. God and his kingdom must come first and I know it, I sometimes just lack the ability to do it.

Thanks and I will take all the prayer I can get.

Anonymous said...

How's it going for you now? i have been single-again for quite some time now, but I remember the beginning loneliness really clearly. I also remembered my teen year's dating advice from my Mom. She said never to date just one person because it puts too much pressure on the relationship, instead to have two or more friends to go out with. One may be the hiking friend, one may enjoy fine dining, while another may be into the arts or sailing or...? Eventually the friends either develop into good friendships that get you through tough times or they disappear because they are looking for more than you are able to give early in the relationship. As true friendships develop, one emerges as the special one that you eventually want to spend all your time with. By that point, you have been able to really know the person and their aspirations in life. The friendship is most important. It is the foundation of the permanent relationship. Don't sell yourself short. as for people raising eyebrows and pointing fingers because you are "playing the field" - pay no heed. If you are honest with your new friends they will accept this type of dating and either enjoy the less-pressure type of relationship, or they will not be part of it at all (which is ok). I have many great male friends. I did develop a serious relationship out of it. When I became engaged the others were very supportive (they saw it developing) and assured me they would still be there as my friends. and they were, 3 years later the engagement broke off just a few months before the wedding. . They were my support system. I have since moved out West and away from all my friends to care for a family member and I am starting again. same rules. I have met a few great fellows and a few not so great guys. That's ok, because I didn't put my faith in "1 relationship" to see me through, but instead I kept adding friends and as before, the good guys stay. They are just as content to not be the main bearer of the whole relationship pressure. When it isn't 1-1 exclusive, there is a much more relaxed relationship that develops. It really gives you the time to get to know the special person really well. When the time is right, you will find that you will naturally spend more and more time exclusively with the really special one - after all, the cream really does rise to the top.
Another very important note - were you aware that it will take 3 years to adjust to being single again. Don't try to put a serious relationship into that time frame, you have too much baggage and it will distroy the best of any relationship. When I heard about the 3 year rule, it seemed like forever. I still remember how bad I felt after just 1 & 1/2 years, only half way there and feeling so lonely that I thought I would die before I ever met anyone again. Well, I didn't. Instead, I discovered that God was my "husbandman" He was also my Father and encased me in His arms and hugged me firmly on those really tough days and nights. Take time to feel His arms envelope you and comfort you. That is part of the healing. That is so important to heal before you try to move forward. In the mean time... make lots of friends. Short term and long term friends.

Jason said...

It has been a little over a year now and I still have not dated much. I am lucky to find one woman to go out every now and then. I am trying to be patient and things are getting better, less lonely.

I am in my late 30's and I am itching to be with my "best friend" but after seeing the horrible mistake I made with my last wife I am not in any rush and God forbid I take the lead on this relationship.

Anonymous said...

Jason,

My wife left me and our two sons to go back to her previous life that she had before she was a Christian. Why are you dating? Your daughter does NOT need you to have other women floating through her life, when you made a commitment to her Mom irrespective of her Mom's actions. You have the responsibility to be a good Dad to your daughter and fulfill the commitment you made to God and your wife when you chose to marry your daughter's mother. That commitment you made, is something you can fulfill irrespective of your wife's response, that response she has is between God and her. It will be a wonderful blessing to your daughter if she watches you as she grows up waiting for God to reconcile with your wife, for as long as she is alive, or has not married another. You have a daughter if necessary you can remain faithful to her Mom and single and she can watch you as God uses you in a variety of situations faithful to your commitment to her Mom. Read Jeremiah 3, that will show you that God understands the pain you feel now, if God longs to be reunited with an adulterous Israel even now, perhaps God wants you to have hope for your wife and your marriage. Tow books that helped me understand the mess I got in, was The Ten Stupid Things Men do to mess up their lives, and The proper care and feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. They helped me to understand what went wrong that I have responsibility for, and what was my wife's responsibility. God's word and those books both helped me to appreciate God's purpose for me. Why this is still your responsibility is that you chose her Mom to be your wife in the first place, you are now responsible to follow through and let God comfort you, and provide for your needs in His own way.
Feel free to email me gene@gdouglass.us, my wife has been separated from me for almost 4 years. And yet God is reminding me that I need to wait for him, and not lose hope for my family, that he gave me.

Gene Douglass

Jason said...

Gene thank you for your comment. I understand what you are saying and the things you said have crossed my mind. I have forgiven my ex for what she has done. I know I played a big role in things and I know that God can bring A LOT of glory out of this situation.

Over the past year I have lost respect for my ex and I pity her for where she is at in her life and the choices she continues to make. She continues to put herself before her children and make terrible decisions. I can't be with a person that doesn't put their children first and I can't be with a person I pity.

I know I made a mistake when I married her and to be honest I never want her back. I can do better, I know that sounds a bit bad but I have come along way and grown a lot. I don't have to rescue a woman for her to want me, which is what I did. I am family oriented and I just don't want to wait more than 3 years to remarry. Plus I don't want what my ex will be bringing back into the relationship. She has really gone to the dark side and it scares me....

On the flip side it is kind of funny becuase it was only a couple weeks ago I have thought about praying to be a family for Madalyn's sake but I just can't, not now.

As far as dating I have only gone out on a couple and I didn't introduce her to Madalyn. I do want to gaurd her heart.

Thanks again and thanks for the scripture and books, I will check them out.

Anonymous said...

Jason, first I would like to thank you for taking up the cross God has given you and sharing it with those of us carrying a simular one. While my life seemed to follow the 3 year guide it is not a rule. I will highly reccomend finding a biblical certified counselor, he will help you see how God is using this trial/season to bring you closer to Him.

Jason said...

If I was not filled with expectations and the desire for a best friend my life would be simpler. I pray for God to slow me down and help me to grow. One of the best things I did do was to go to a Christian counselor for several months.

I had grown accustom to seeing myself as my ex portrayed me. Needless to say I did not have a healthy view of myself.

The good thing was I was able to be accountable for my actions and see me more as God sees me. I am not perfect and never will be. I will make mistakes and I needed to understand that. God has really changed my heart over the past year and my relationship with Him has never been better.

Thanks for taking the time to comment!

Anonymous said...

My divorce was how God humbled me and brought me into a relationship with Him. It's been almost 4 years. Someday the wound is still sore, but after getting to know Jesus, I would not change any twinge of pain or not cry any tear. There is still far to go on this journey. I would reccomend reading "Sacred Marriage". It explains what marriage is supposed to be as opposed to how our world tells us it should be. It may help you when God brings that special lady, to share this adventure, into your life. God Bless you on your walk. C...

Jason said...

I know I have been humbled but there are times that my pride rears its ugly head... Especially lately, my ex is having serious financial problems and there is a part of me that is saying "you deserve what you get". Then I think so do I so I better watch it. God bless you and thanks for taking the time to comment.

Anonymous said...

I think that no matter what you beleive, when it is meant to be, it will happen. It's very hard to be alone, (I know, I am a divorced single mother myself), but you can't rush things. Finding your best friend will take time, but it will happen...probably when you least expect it.

Jason said...

I know it will happen someday but being married is the one thing that I have wanted since I was 27. It can be hard at times...

Anonymous said...

I know I'm very late in posting this, but I have just found your blog and reading Gene's post got me a little miffed! Without all my own divorce details...let's just say that I endured a lot and stayed for years because I didn't feel God's release from the situation....until I discovered the last affair. I can't explain the why, but God did release me at that point and in fact directed me to not have anything to do with my husband (outside of parental issues of course). I finally realized that my husband was worse than an unbeliever...he is an unbeliever who portrays himself as a Christian brother while actively pursuing a life of fornication and adulterous choices. All of this is to say, that I believe standing for your marriage is an admirable choice, IF that is what God is asking you to do. But I also believe that there is a time when God will release you from a situation. When Paul speaks of being yoked with an unbeliever and the he/she wants out of the marriage (which in my book, an affair is an overt way of saying "I want out"!) then the believer should let the spouse go and not be subject to that burden any longer...so that the believer can live in peace. A marriage takes three and you know God will always be faithful for his part; if only the other two parties could be counted on to be as faithful. I guess there would be no divorce then, huh?
I also wanted to add that I too am reading "Sacred Marriage" right now and recommend it to EVERYONE...no matter your current marriage situation. It really paints marriage as the holy commitment & blessing that God originally intended. It is inspiring. Jason, thanks for your honesty in coming forward with your triumphs and your struggles. I know I have been blessed tonight just reading about you and Madalyn. It is encouraging to know that there really are men out there whose priorities center on God and family....in that order!

Jason said...

Shannon, HI and don't worry it is never too late to post. You never know when someone is going to visit and find what you have to say useful. I did...

You know the bible does talk about wolves in sheep clothing! You are right, those kind of people are in for a rude awakening some day. They will be exposed for what they are eventually, but we still are required to forgive.

I realized today that maybe I have not forgiven my ex completely. I hope God will take this bitterness from me.

Anyhow, thanks for taking the time to share.