Letting Go


Currently I have 50% custody of Madalyn and I get her every other week. There is nothing more I look forward to is the weeks I get her and there is nothing I dread more than when she goes back to her moms.

I am told that these feelings will become easier to deal with but I have not been able to feel it. She keeps me on schedule and I seem to be so much more productive when she is around. The weeks I don't have her just seem to be a mess, nothing gets done and I sometimes just want to curl up in a ball and cry. Yes cry...

My ex-wife is often times unstable. In my mind she is bi-polar but she refuses to do anything about it and she often handles things as a teenager. I have seen her push her two other children, from two previous marriages, away and I hurts me terribly. She has taken on the victim persona and everything that happens to her is someone elses fault. The point I am leading towards is that there have been instances where she has pushed Madalyn away and in time I feel I will have full custody. Selfishly I look forward to this and pray to be prepared but I often look at Madalyn and know that she needs her mom.

Is it worth having full custody of my little girl only if she is going to be sad and miss out on what her mom has to offer. I worry for them both and I hope my ex can rebuild her relationships with her kids and grow up. I pray for that as well and I am ready if God brings Madalyn home to me.

It appears I got off on a bit of a tangent but the point is I miss my kid and I struggle with letting her go back to her moms. Sometimes it even makes me bitter and I ask myself, "why?" I tried to make the marriage work she is the one that bailed...why should she get to have Madalyn 50% of the time? Anyhow, I know it is good for Madalyn and I guess I should think of her needs and not my selfish bitter motives.

UPDATE: 9/16/2008
I have learned a lot since I made this post. It is okay to miss Madalyn and each day brings something new. Madalyn is doing pretty darn good and as long as I remain productive when she is not with me so do I. Even if I pop in a movie and be lazy. The bitterness has gone and I am okay!


Barbie said...

I just found your blog and I have to say your dd is BEAUTIFUL!! I will keep you two in my prayers...this is a hard road but God is SOO big:-)

Jason said...

Thank you Barbie, I take all the prayer I can get!!!

Anonymous said...

This is 3 years later and I hope things are going good and you are continuing to grow. My granson was born when you wrote this and my son has just settled his first mediation. he has seen his son only 4 times since birth and all of us as family can relate with you. you are in our thoughts and prayers and it is so good to see that other fathers are banding together and we are creating a bond and being noticed along with the single moms out there.
jeremiah 29:11
god does have a plan for you and your beautiful daughter.
Pray for teh salvation of her mom and God will then have his perfect will in all of your lives.
Grandma in Oregon