The Difference Bewteen Wanting and Being


Ever since the divorce I have found myself striving to be better; a better person, a better christian, a better father, a better provider, and the list goes on and on. And each and everyday I am faced with the reality that I am NOT better. To make things worse I see that I am alone and lonely, up to my ears in debt, have a stressfull job, and the worst of all, lack parenting skills. I find that much of my time is spent wanting and planning, "If I just could have my debt paid off I would be happy" or "if I could meet a nice woman to spend time with I would be happy."

So here is to self-help books!!! I have a choice and I talk about choosing how one can feel all the time yet I don't take my own advice or it is short lived. The time has come to be proactive and to change myself from the inside. I want to be a man of character and values. Maybe if I can change my outlook on life then maybe, just maybe, I can feel God in my life and learn to trust. I always thought of myself as a "giver" but in reality I am a "taker". ME ME ME...

I will be loving!
I will be patient!
I will be happy!
I will be frugal!
I will be ....


Anonymous said...

And how are you now?
I've read your posts ... quite frankly you seem to be seeking something, yet you're not asking for it. Someone to fill your lonliness isn't specific enough. There are single mothers out there, feeling the same as you, but drained themselves to build someone up. What do you enjoy? Yes, Madelyne ... but YOU. You like a song ... what else? Give people more to connect to, relate with, and you will be closer to what you are seeking. Now I rided you a bit. You seem to be a wonderful Dad to your daughter. But to be your best, you have to nurture yourself. Step out! Not necessarily at a coffee shop ... give someone something personal to latch onto. Reveal more than your regrets and concerns. Give someone more of an indication of what the day-in and day-out with you might be like. Your lonely, discouraged... that's apparent. Define yourself in a more dimensional way so someone can connect. You've only framed yourself in a way to be rescued ... and I dare say that's a lot for the one your seeking to take on.
Share! You're more then a Dad, an ex-husband, an employee ... who are you?

Jason said...

Wow, I like you!!! Mom, is this YOU? :-)

Sometimes I don't really know who I am or how to share who I am, what I like, dislike, or what I want out of life. I am stuck in routines where I can't give everything my undivided attention. Your comment has given me a lot to think about and the last thing that I need or want is to burden someone with rescueing me.

I have kept this blog in a box and maybe it is time to take it from simply being a dad to being "life as Jason."

I will consider this. Oh ya and if this is my mom I have some sewing for you next time you are in town.

Anonymous said...

Very cute ... but no, it's not your Mom.
Married or single, I can't believe there's a one of us who doesn't question whether we're being our best, parenting our best, working our best.
Divorces are tough! It's a fast track to realizing expectations aren't always realized. It may be the best for Madelyne ... kids being resilent works in your favor! But you've got to come to terms with now. You've got love, you've got faith ... you'll be leaps ahead when you stop doubting. Keep questioning! But questioning is stretching ... not inhibiting yourself with regrets and insecurities. Read through your own blogs ... your intent & actions to be a great Dad speaks volumes. And there's not a one of us that doesn't mess up now and then. Forgive yourself, but keep stretching! Your future wife will mess up too. But it IS true - we learn from our mistakes and prayerfully hope we don't make bigger ones. Realize your daughter will grow up fast. A cliche maybe, but true. She's learning bit by bit how to deal with challenges & disappointments from you. You are not abandoning her by investing in you ... you're teaching her how to take care of herself when she's an adult. Keep loving her to pieces! And keep striving to find total peace & happiness for yourself.
So what in this past week have you done for you? (And blogging doesn't count!)

Jason said...


What have I done for me? That is a good question. What is a single guy pushing 40 supposed to do? I let the dishes pile up. I watched Tin Man again. I went to the gym and of course went to work.

Anonymous said...

Jason, my friend-
Work's a given,the gym is good!, those dishes...
toss them in the dishwasher or spend 10-15 minutes to clean them up! A real psychological drag to have them hanging around (oops! am I sounding like a mother again?)
And what's with this pushing 40 remark? I know, I do get it ... I was just lamenting the other day that I don't have the same energy to blow threw each day. Where did it go? Well, that was 6+ years ago, before a 2nd child, piling debt, and more uncertain job security.
For awhile I stepped back ... a break was all I needed, right? And faster than ever more demands seemed to pile up. With the to-do list, unmet expectations and demands of uninhibited & ever exuberant children, it all seemed overwhelming. And I was 34!
And I got to the point of saying to my self "there's got to be more than this! This isn't how I thought it would be!!"
It's so easy to dwell on what's missing. What got me going?
I kept praying!
I stopped waiting ... I worked to appreciate my blessings.
I took a closer look & pushed myself to try to get a little closer to what I was missing.
Does your Church have adult activities with child care offered, or the school, associations/organizations related to your profession or community?
Can you find the money for a sitter and get involved?
I haven't had great luck finding good friends or significant others at a gym ... and it sounds like it hasn't worked that way for you.
The point in all this rambling is that you've got to find the time (not even a lot of time) where you're out as Jason, the adult who is also a Dad, doing things that appeal to you, with other people who share a common interest.
I haven't heard you mention a good friend ... do you have guys to spend time with?
If just 1-2 times a month you could get out socially with adults it would be so reaffirming. When it's in balance with fatherhood & work demands it's not a selfish pursuit.
So check back in a week and tell me how you stepped out! By the way, where the heck are you? Chicago?

Jason said...

Friends!! That has been the most challenging thing for me since the divorce. Sure I talk a lot about meeting the woman God has for me and being married but I do pray for a friend, guy friend that is. I have even resorted to calling old friends only to find out they are still in the same unhealthy lifestyle that I left so many years ago.

I have pastors that I can meet with and other people to hang with but I don't have a friend that shares the same interests.

I am not to the point where I can get a babysitter for Madalyn, with the schedule I have with her mom I do get a couple days alone so I have the time to go out.

I am going to sign up for a class, photography, next month. I do try to get out, I do talk to people at the gym but you are right it is hard to develop a good friendship.

So you are 40 huh? Wow! That is old. :-)

I totally hear what you are saying and the fact of the matter I am trying, sure I could try harder but I don't understand why God doesn't really help me out here. Why should it be so damn hard to make a good friend? It is not like I am completely antisocial and never go out. I actually talk to people across the World, either email or phone almost everyday. Some work some personal.

No I am not in Chicago, close though... I live in Idaho. :-)

Anonymous said...

Getting back to you on the guy-friend topic ...
You mentioned pastors. Don't know how small your congregation may be, but if it's kind of large, pastors can be a wonderful way to get you hooked in with other members you may not yet have had the opportunity to meet. Not that they're going to play matchmaker, but they've got the "big picture" on the varied personalities & who might mix well together. So have you asked about a bible study that might be a good fit? A committee that would be a good fit for your interests & the experience you could offer? Or maybe there's a need for a new support group that you could begin to build up (single parents? divorced singles? etc.)
My friend, this time of angst just might also be a calling for you to step out in new ways. And in the process you'll touch others and eventually draw in the special people you desire to round out your life.
I wish you all the best in this journey! Keep praying for the guidance you seek ... and keep listening for the replies you may not be hearing!!

Jason said...

Things are going pretty well... I really keep busy enough most of the time I don't worry but like now it is 10pm no kid and I get a bit lonely but I am able to pursue new interests.

The church hasn't been much help but I am going to try a new church tomorrow. Like you said, "step out in new ways."

Anonymous said...

Here is a self help book. Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire by Jim Cymbala. Read it, please. Pray for your wants and your needs. Let God know your mad. At him, your wife, and your situation. He's big enough. Jim Cymbala has a great sermon on Google video; My house shall be called the house of prayer. To paraphrase him "How many times must you hit the wall. Before you realize, God has everything you ever wanted or needed. You just need to ask."