Getting Mad and Screwing Up


A surprising thing happened to me this past week, actually 2 things. The first is I had a date and found that I don't feel like I am ready to date. Why you might ask? since it is what I have been longing for.

Well because I have grown very angry towards my ex recently. To the point where I said things to my little girl simply because she was there and said she wanted to go back to her mommy after I picked her up. Normally I can handle it but my ex has found a new boyfriend and I am so sick and tired of Madalyn seeing this. Yet I am completely helpless... so what do I do? I make my little girl cry because I am a raving lunatic. I guess between her mom and dad we should screw her up plenty. Am I jealous that my ex finds it easy to attract one guy after another? Maybe I am, I don't know. Personally I would be happy if I could feel comfortable with the current situation and get to know the woman God has for me.

You would think being the father of the child I would feel Madalyn loves me but recently all she wants is her mom, well that is what she says, but when she is with me she does her thing and only cries when I don't give her candy or I take my emotions out and yell at her. I am stricken with guilt for what I said. It has been a day now and she is fine but I just want to rip my tongue and heart out. I can still feel the anger inside me and I just want it gone!

I don't even feel like a christian anymore.


Anonymous said...

You're in my prayers! First of all, when you are ready to date, you'll know, and you don't have to date tons of people, only one if she's the right one.

Second, we all lose our tempers at times, God is always there ready to forgive and help us get back up again.

Third, don't feel bad that she's wanting her mom, most kids are attached to their moms when they're little because they have a strong bond with mom after being in her tummy for 9 months, and she's at the age where little girls want to be exacly like their mommy. (She can't see her mom's flaws, she just knows she's her mom.)

Tomorrow is a fresh day with no mistakes in can do it!

Jason said...

Stop it... you are going to make me cry! You are supposed to tell how terrible I am and there is no excuse for saying such mean things. I know God will forgive me but I have issues with forgiving myself, I always have.

I love my little girl with all my heart and I hate being a part from her, so what do I do the first chance I get? I say stupid things!

But you are right there is always a new day ahead of us and I can do better, I just hope I do.

skdb said...

I can tell that things are painful for you during this time. It is so hard to continue to look to God when our "human-ness" gets in the way.
But we are human...and we make mistakes...and we hurt and hunger and generally mess things up. Why in the world does a perfect God want a relationship with us at all?
Don't continue to beat yourself up. In the big picture you are doing the very best thing you could ever are waiting on God to provide all the things your heart desires and to lead you into an ever deepening relationship with Him.
Sometimes it's not a quick thing...and the world can tempt you into thinking that you are wasting your time and headed nowhere.
Take your eyes off the world ...and focus on how God has gently led you so far. He will continue to lead you....even when you blow it. And we ALL blow it!
You will be in my prayers that a gentler time is on the way for you.

Anonymous said...

Hey Jas,
I just wanted to thank you for being honest and open with what's going on. The words of encouragement folks are sending you are encouragement for those of us who aren't so brave. (It's kinda an on-line ministry thing?) It helped me to go to "a middle of no where place" and scream at God myself instead of everyone else.
Scripture to meditate on Matt 6:33Ask yourself....what am I putting before God? Then start reading the Bible, start small one chapter of Proverbs everyday (31 chapter of Proverbs, 31 one days in a month) If you don't have time MAKE IT! How many ways does He have to let you punish yourself before you go back to Him? FYI- we all get blown off course, find your compass and get back on.

Jason said...

It is funny you mention scripture... Smack dab in the middle of my "goal board" I have to read the bible daily, at least several times a week, and that is the one thing I seem to leave out of my busy day. I read scripture related books and other self help but I leave out the bible. I am constantly striving to be better and I leave out the things that most likely will make me better.

Anonymous said...

oh...oh... I have to say it... Not in criticism, but with love, brother.

In James....hang on I have to look it up...

my pastor just taught on this.

here it is:
3When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

7All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, 8but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

Pastor taught that our tongues are the MOST difficult things that we have to control. Like it says about the ship and the rudder. the tongue steers our whole life.

Brother, I spend most of every day trying not to hate my ex and trying hard to release unforgiveness. It is tough. We have to remember that God's grace is new EVERY DAY. Thats awesome. I want you to know that just b/c I can quote a Bible verse or two, Im no better than you or no better off than you. I struggle too. EVERY DAY. When I became a Christian I kind of expected things would get easier. They dont. But I now have in my pocket one thing that carries me through every trial and every stumble and every screw up. I have faith that it will work out for good and that I cant screw it up so much that God cant bring it around. He loves you and He wants you to succeed in everything. but He wants you to remember to put him first (hey ron practice what you preach -- I will do my best also).

Hang on to your faith like you hang on to your daughter's love. They are the two things that can and will carry you through every obstacle regardless of circumstance.

Can I ask you to do something? Ask for God's forgiveness for how you spoke to your little girl. Then forgive yourself (this for me is always the most difficult). Then ask for your daughter's forgiveness. I think this will help you get centered about the situation.

Then we have to work on forgiving our ex's b/c until we do, we wont move foreward. It sucks, it takes time, it takes effort. but we have to. if you figure this one out before me, help me out, ok?

I got things I have to do today, but I wish I could give you my story from young knuckehead to married knucklehead to knucklehead who realizes he's married to a bipolar alchoholic to knucklehead who realizes he needs God to knucklehead who finds himself a divorced father of two to man who wants more than to be a knucklehead (thats me now).

Work on that tongue of yours. I will continue to work on mine. Know that you are not alone and remember that God doesnt expect us to change overnight, but he wants our hearts to be in the right place and then work on the rest.

Anonymous said...

This whole page of yours is fascinating me and getting my faith juices flowing. I feel I have found a group of people who understand and I feel that I (finally) have something to offer someone else.

Can I offer you a vese or 2 from the Bible that has been my cornerstone verse for probably 5 years?? (since you are talking about Bible verses) It is in James and I have found the book of James to be a real encouragement and a help in making corrections in my own life.

Here it is:

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

I dont read my Bible every day. I want to and I feel guilt for not doing it. But I do read it more than I used to. you want to know how I get myself to read it more? I keep it on the back of the toilet. I know that sounds kind of weird and all, but it works. It is a place I find myself every morning with 5 or so minutes of peace and a cup of coffee. Brother it works. and God dont car if you are pinching one off while you are reading his word! he is probably very happy that you have your nose in the book. Yeah, so I am a bit of a redneck. But I love God and I love my kids and God loves us. You know what I teach my kids as a cornerstone of their faith? read on a little further in James.

"17Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

Hey brother...You just read your Bible today. And so did I. Make no mistake. You are encouraging me, and most likely others.

Jason said...

Ron, thanks for visiting and sharing the verses. They are good ones and I hear you. The tongue is a powerful instrument that can be used to edify or destroy. I am learning.

I am taking a sick day today and I was contemplating how easy it is to make a choice to obey the law by not doing certian things that I know will get me in trouble if caught. And even some of those things I would never do even if I did not get caught. Yet I know how I should manage what I say and what I do by what the bible says, So WHY do I struggle so hard to not do the things I shouldn't yet I know that I will be better off refraining from doing them. This sounds like a Romans chapter... :-) Sin, being harsh, unloving, quick to anger are all things that are contrary to the will of God yet they are hard to keep at bay.