:Knowing Who God Is


Over the past several months since my divorce I have struggled at times with God and my desire to seek Him out. In my heart I know it is the thing to do but instead of placing the blame on myself for not being the Christian husband that I ought or knowing what to do for my wife to make her stay I blame God for "making" me marry the wrong woman. I often amaze myself at my stinking thinking but I have moments where I get angry at God and then pull away.

I still try to show Madalyn that there is a God in hopes that she will understand and know God. I find myself selling her short when it comes to knowing what she understands and does not. To me she is 2 and still a baby. I think that I am actually the baby...

Here is why...

While I was having one of my above episodes and feeling like I need to take care of myself and not God I have been in a rush, no time for God because I have so much to do. If I am to make something more of my life then I need to take control and get to work. I know "I am only setting myself up for another big hurt." Anyhow I was putting Madalyn down to sleep and saying the goodnights and she stopped me before I left and asked me if we were going to pray?

Here I was running from god and thinking that she is to young to understand and that I was not having a negative effect on her development. Well after she said that to me I realized, for maybe the thousnadeth time, that I was being selfish and immature. Each day with her is a new day in knowing God and His love for me.

She is understanding more and more and I pray that I get over myself and finally give in to God and give Him control of my life... I could use prayer for this as well. I find that I am not the man I always wished I would be and right now I feel like I have taken so many steps backwards I will never make any progress. I feel like having a huge pitty party but it is getting harder and harder for me to find people to come. :-)